I do not want to think about ...
I have not posted in forever. I just did not have the motivation. I wanted to write a long time, but did not want to deal with all the things that would have to write me.
It seems to me as if I have the biggest crisis of my life. Sounds excessive, but Sun I do not just keep everything, I awake in the morning and have a stomach ache, I wake in the middle of the night and not sleep anymore, I am constantly depressed and everything seems pretty gray. I try to play but in the long run will not do Keep it up.
All this is because the training in the city that I am doing, but this is not what I expected. Sure you could say, then do something else is holding, but no problem. But at the moment so I have a huge fear to take back a wrong decision. I'm afraid to stop this because I think what else might be stupid.
Zuerstmal the de facto: I'm training for the Government, as am currently on probation officer and go in Ludwigsburg then study ("Public Management"). But I now realize that it might not be right for me. Not only approximately, not the right thing, but does not even the right thing.
I have not made an introductory course (throughout October) and that was all so totally boring. It was all about that shit like law and business, nothing more. If you have the course behind him, to set the later work like this: You get cases on the table scrolls, ever in a long fucking book and then either rejects the request or allows it. But all my life? I can not imagine that. I hope that here no one reads my "colleagues", but if they do it I do not care. To be honest, I find the city Filderstadt sucks. I mostly sit around just need my 41 hours a day and get by typing crap into the computer. If I do anything at all. The people are mostly weird and demotivated. If I just acquired former Ask trainees how they like it, they say "sometimes more, sometimes less," or "it has its ups and downs." Clearly not every songwriter in job always awesome, but I've never heard the way that people speak so negatively about what they do.
Then I get when I say, what an education I'm always stupid glances thrown and said, "that could never make ihc, that would be me too boring." Or on the Internet, "an official in the administration I would wither away." Or: "The civil service is for boring people who do not want to work, it's totally empty there.."
And even if one is not to be influenced by other people. This will shape an already. I'm afraid when I'm finished later that the job I do not enjoy. I'm afraid that I do not enjoy studying. I'm afraid that I think then anything else because I'm too old or something. And if I stop, I must pay back the candidates references that I get. This is a BA degree. And that would be a lot of money.
I only live once and I will not mess up my life with me something that makes me eigenltich no fun.
But when I think about what I want to make an alternative, then there are only problems. I really want regular working hours. But with all that is exciting, there is not. I got me anything considered all the skills that are already plowed through it at all. Things that interest me, either have no future in the job market or you have to live for your job and have no private life anymore. I know you must die a death. But there are quite a few things that make some measure of fun, where I do not work 60 hours per week through the weekend or to work or give up my private life?
I've thought about making an education at the airport. Sounds really interesting, but there is also just announced hardcore-shift work and weekend work. Whether there someday may set ne family, no idea ...
Every older person says to me: Do it on, later You'll be glad drum, since you no longer need this action! And every young man says: So you're not happy, I would also abkotzen, stop it!
Older people have more experience, but younger as I think. I would stop you, but I'm quite frankly really a coward. The profession has after only a few advantages. For example, great security, tenure, fixed working hours, relatively good salary, it is convenient to work part-time ... And I had it all not with any other training. I could also study, but the question is what? All that interested me only later, Hartz-IV-view. Or the NC is too high. I would Interested in psychology. But there must be good to have in math and a very good NC. Or pharmacist I would also like to be. But I voted chemistry! And never really understood! Not so the right thing, right?
Otherwise, there are trades that I would interessierne, but where you simply deserve super bad! Professions that you can theoretically do with exams. And with Abi, would you do that? If it were your dream job, yes?
The question is: either security and money, however, dissatisfaction, or something else, but either where there is a lack of money, security or jobs.
And the bad thing is: I have to decide now. I can not wait that long. If I stop the study after 2 years, then it sucks and ihc also have to repay. However, if I apply now and get a commitment, but next year I will still opt for the BA course work continues, because I think "it could still be better," then I can cancel but still there - but I might never be there again . Apply
My mother said to me, at that time was when I made the internship with the SWR, she was sure I go there. She also said that the man would be there, the sound department was so impressed by me. Apart from the fact that the SWR seems to like Adjust camera women. When I hear that, I am so depressed and depressed, because I think it was a totally wrong decision, then cancel the training of media designers. But then, I still thought the job with the city council I would be fun. And I wanted regular working hours. And my fear was if I will not be added at SWR, I still ended up with NEM similar shop like the FFO. And it was hell, because I really had no private life anymore.
I'm so NO IDEA what to do. I wish I would just fall into a coma. Morning when I wake up, everything always comes back to me and I could cry.
I think I should stop. But my mind says no, go on, Maybe that makes you one day of fun. Other people also work in offices and make permanent the same and are happy. And I do when I have children, good work part time. And now I have schonmal passed the recruitment test'm even on the university to Ludwigsburg and not come to Kehl and came at number 190 of 2500 applicants. Would such a stress and competition make the profession if he were really that bad?
I also get money during the study. I might have to look somewhere else, how do I get the money to make ends meet. But money does eventually stop but not happy. And if I see something interesting stuff for some people do, where some people have come and how exciting their lives, then I would kill the most. I should compare myself with "normal" people, but I kept in mind: you might have more to create. Who knows where it had sat up a deposit for the SWR. My life is just a total number of erroneous decisions. I think I'm not the type for this Why do you even define? Since I started with training, I'm just feeling this way. I was once so happy all the time, there was nothing that made me depressed. And now once everything is different. I'd like again to be like before.
So much I've never written, but it was also about time ... On Tuesday, with further
goes to work. When I think I feel sick ...
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